Warning:  The following entry may not be suitable for anything but creating children.

A transcription of our weekend in Vegas.

Night One:  Arrive at Circus Circus, family casino.  Conman and Hoffstar immediately have massive raging erections.  Conman from posters of hot Las Vegas strippers.  Hoffstar from children.  And Clowns.

Get decked to the max, with some sweet ass suits and ties, and go over to SPSP 2010 Social Psychology poster session #1 (It was a conference for people with really good vision).  Can’t get in without conference badges.  Except we’re baller, so we do anyway (through the side door, those convention halls have notoriously shitty security).  Wojo spends time examining posters and engaging in articulate discussions with presenters.  Conor spends time seeking out hottest female presenters and hitting on them.  Hoffstar spends time wondering why there weren’t more posters about vegetables.  And telling Wojo to ask social psychology questions in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

Come back to the hotel, invite all of Wojo’s classmates over to the room.  Chastise the non-drinkers.  Play Kings (Jersey rules) with everyone else.  Spill pretzels.  Walk to Blush nightclub at the Wynn Casino.

Blush line is ridiculous.  We don’t give a shit about any of that, so they let us in anyhow.  Clearly, we know how to party.  Drinks are expensive – $7 beers, $17 vodka red bulls.  Chicks are ok, but kinda stuck up.  Doesn’t stop 520 from getting all the women in the room ridiculously wet.  And hooking up with them under the stars on the outdoor patio.

Conman met every woman in the club.  One was kind of annoying.  Interaction:
Conman:  So, you here for the Social Psychology conference?
Annoying Girl:  Yeah, I’m here for the conference.
Conman:  That’s cool, what are you studying
Annoying Girl:  Oh, I‘m doing research on cognitive dissonance…
Conman (noticing significantly hotter girl at the other end of the bar):  Yeah, I don’t give a shit about any of that stuff!  Hey, hottie…!!

Wojo “walks” his date home.  Hoffstar goes up to the 15th floor with a couple of ladies to “see the view”  Conman “passes out on some girl’s couch because he doesn’t have the room key.”

On to the next day.

Wojo gets up early for the conference and runs into his advisor (Shwing!) Hoffstar and Conman challenge the Circus Circus Garden Cafe $6.99 Pancake Buffet.  13 pancakes later, the buffet wins.  On the way out to the strip, Conman flirts with hot hand moisturizer girl.  Now officially has smoothest hands of any 520 member.

Hoffstar and Conman walk down Las Vegas Blvd. (THE STRIP, BABY), see a huge sign with the tag line, “Give yourself a tug for $500.”  Call the listed number (702-GEARBOX).  Turns out to be porn studio auditions.  “It’s more than just having a big dick and being totally ripped” (damn…but at least the guys qualify on those first two…).  Seriously consider making an appointment.  But then we realize we don’t give a shit about any of that stuff so meet up with Wojo at Subway for lunch instead.

Drive all the way down the strip.  Park at the MGM Grand.  Walk through the casino.  Ride the New York, New York rollercoaster.  Wojo and Hoffstar sit together, hold hands and scream like little girls.  Conman hits on a married chick.  And screams like a little girl.

Money is won at roulette.  Nap time.  Wojo’s friends show up at the room.  Hoffstar isn’t wearing any pants.  Women had a hard time controlling themselves.  Night is young so Hoffstar showers, and “saves some for later.”

While Conman is taking a piss, all of Wojo’s colleagues leave for Bellagio without 520.  Fuck ‘em.

In the lobby, Wojo nitices that there are samurai swords for sale.  Wojo is up about $50 from roulette table (“C’mon big blacks!!”)  Sword costs $75.  Kevin and Yo-Yo are no match for Wojo’s bargaining skills.  Sword is purchased (for $50, no tax!)  Line of the night becomes, “Guys, we just bought a SWORD.”

Taxi is hailed.  Driver’s name was Janish (sp?  Pronounced, “Yan-ish”)  Is a perfect blend of cynical misogynistic racism with 22 years experience driving Vegas cabs.  520 makes sure not to puke in the cab.  That shit is a biohazard.  And you owe the driver $135 to clean the seats.  Now I know why cabs have leather upholstery.

Arrive at the Bellagio.  UCI crew is in line for the buffet ($27 each, fuck that shit).  520 has their own road sodas (blended whisky – Black Velvet/Early Times in plastic flasks).  Thusly armed, head out to conquer the casino floor.  Meet “Lisa,” an arguably attractive and sassy blackjack dealer.  Hit her with the 520 charm.  She melts like butter and gives us all the insider information on the best tables.  Decide to play craps.  Have no idea how the game works.  Wojo wins 85 bux anyway.  Fuck ‘em.  Stop at the gift shop.  Flirt with “June,” 60 year old native Pittsburgian.  (Yeah, we like to mix it up).  Hoffstar suggests purchasing matching track suits.  Is vetoed by Conman and Wojo (not enough road sodas, apparently).  Return to black jack tables.  Lisa takes Wojo and Conman’s money (but slower than she should, they distract her with their incredible charm).

Wander through the menagerie and past the chocolate fountains. Make inappropriate comments about social security, campaign fiance reform and children.  Meet two guys with tuxedo shirts.  Wojo thinks Hoffstar is wearing his tuxedo shirt, so he insists on a picture.  Hoffstar is not wearing tuxedo shirt, but is happy to pose for a picture.  Walk by an asian couple taking photos in front of the menagerie.  Hoffstar decides that he likes posing for pictures.  Asian couple figures this is simply, “all part of silly American culture.”

Hoffstar decides to be Australian.  Most innocent women are fooled by nearly authentic accent..  Go outside to see the fountain show with Wojo’s colleagues.  “All that Jazz” turns out to be a popular number.  Alan Jackson’s “America” is indubitably more so.  Wojo’s enthusiasm is unmatched by any around him.

The Gang walks by statue street performer.
Conman:  Hey Hoffstar, I bet you won’t punch that statue!
Hoffstar:  Ha, you don’t even KNOW me, I’ll totally do it!
Conman:  Oh yeah, sure you will, I bet you won’t…
Conman:  (To Robin) Hoffstar said he wouldn’t KISS that statue guy!
Robin:  Oh, come on Hoffstar, I DOUBLE DARE YOU.
Hoffstar turns around, runs back to street performer, punches him in the kidney, and runs back to the group.  Robin is speechless.  Conman is cracking up.

Walk back to Bellagio.  Wojo’s colleagues all standing around, debating what to do.  Hoffstar says, “Fuck em, I don’t give a shit about any of this” and walks up the escalator.  Wojo and Conman follow.  Receive text from three ladies waiting in line for Bellagio nightclub, “The Bank.”  520 arrives as ladies are at the front of the 520…I mean, VIP line.  Turns out that the policy is 2:1 women/men.  520’s charms don’t seem to work on the big male bouncer.  So Wojo goes in with the ladies (it’s his birthday month), Conman hits on the ladies right behind and gets in with them.  Hoffstar sidesteps VIP line to front of the normal line and an unsuspecting group of four women.  The Australian accent wins them over.  520 is in (in under 2 minutes).

Nightclub is packed with about twice as many women as men.  Many are attractive.  Most are horny.  All are completely oblivious to what is about to happen to them.  The 520 crew spreads out and starts working into the “buffet.”

Conman’s women turn out to be cougars.  After giving Hoffstar the ol’ hairy eyeball, one of them sinks her claws directly into him, and the fun begins.  Conman begins dancing with random women. Wojo makes out with “Teresa.”  (random chick).  Conman and Wojo get distracted and decide to buy rounds of drinks.  Prices are even higher than at Blush – $19 for vodka redbull (yeah, 520 doesn’t drink anything else).  Wojo and Conman wander down to dance floor with drinks.  Wojo says to Conman, “Hey look man, it’s ASIAN CITY!”  Asian girl hears Wojo.  She is not impressed.  Wojo says, “fuck it” and dances with her friend.  Conman runs into the Cougars again.  “Jackie,” (Cougar one) says to him, “I told your friend I’m married and i don’t think he likes me anymore!”  Conman cracks up and walks away.  “Jackie” goes back to mauling the Hoffstar.  Hoffstar earns new nickname – “Homewrecker.”

Conman makes eyes with ridiculously hot girl.  Starts dancing with her.  She asks, “What do you do?”  Response is, “I’m an ass model.”  Much ass touching ensues.  Conman asks, “What do you do?”  Response is, “I work for an escort service.”  Response #2 is much more believable.  Conman rides the wave for a couple minutes before getting back onto the floor.  Makes out with “Teresa.” (same one).  Conman and Wojo are now eskimo brothers (Conman and Hoffstar are already eskimo brothers).

Wojo decides to leave.  Gets distracted by multitude of attractive women.  Conman finally gets a similar idea and is going to ask Hoffstar, but notices that he is, “pre-occupied” (Homewrecker!)  Conman and Wojo wait for “Teresa.”  But quickly become “pre-occupied” with a couple additional ladies.  Set world record for “most girls brought from The Bellagio to Circus Circus (2), and use of awesomest pickup line (“Hey do you ladies want to come up to my room and see my SWORD?”)  Hoffstar, fearing a repeat of the scene from the 40-year old virgin, when Steve Carell gets puked on in the car, and without the assistance of Wojo and Conman, decides to abandon drunk married cougar and walk back to CIrcus Circus.  Gets yelled at by police for jaywalking.  Is faster than police.  Stops as Subway for a 3am footlong.  Is very intimidated by the clientele spending 3am on a Friday night gambling at the Subway casino.  Returns to the room.

And yes.  It was all worth it.