Sunday, July 13, 2008

My buddy Gisela and I have been e-mailing on a consistent basis and also talking on the phone a few times.  I love to hear her laugh!  She is such an animated and funny gal!  She wrote me something the other day which I would like to address at this blog, because it is something I, too, felt once and I am sure many other compulsive gamblers do as well.

"I always say: not TODAY. Thats all I can do. I am still afraid of saying: NEVER."

How true, how true!!! That was EXACTLY me at one point when I was still gambling.  That little fear was like a little pin prick in the back of my brain somewhere, everytime I considered stopping.  That's what made me never stop permanently before.  I would be all gung-ho about quitting, and quitting for good!  And not 60 seconds after making that "resolution", I would feel the inevitable pin prick - not hard enough to make me give up my "resolution" at the moment, but enough to make me uneasy about the future.

Now that I am no longer gambling, I can finally understand that the "pin prick" was, in essance, only a mirage in my brain.  Think about when you are driving on a hot road.  Up ahead, you see a shiny reflection  on the pavement that appears to be water.  You ARE actually seeing "something" but it is only your brain working in its mysterious ways...

You keep on driving and lo and behold, you realize there is no water on the road up ahead.

This is how I like to think of the "pin prick" in your brain.    You ARE actually feeling something, but just like the water on the road, it is only your brain working in mysterious ways.  And until you drive down the road towards a gamble-free-life, you will never get close enough to realize that your fear (although it feels real) is actually.... nothing.  It is a just mirage.   "Never" is not as scary as you think it is!   Just the reverse - it brings so manny new blessings and wonderful opportunities into your life!

I keep a personal journal in addition to this blog.  Today I was reflecting why this time around, quitting has been entirely an entirely different expereince for me .  Why have I now been able to stop - for good - when so many other times I just failed, no matter how good my intentions were?

It dawned on me that this time, it was not about stopping the physical act of gambling.  It was about stopping the LIFESTYLE of gambling.  The lies.  The cover-ups.  The long road trips. The endless cycle of bounced checks.  Running every two weeks to the payday store.  Never allowing myself to enjoy simple material things. Robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Berating myself at every turn..... the list goes on and on. 

Amazingly, once I realized I wanted to stop the LIFESTYLE, by default the gambling ceased to be an issue for me.  I didn't have to fight the fight anymore because I was 100% through with living "that way"...  And as a result, if gambling wasn't going to happen anymore,  then.... oh well!!  Too bad!!

Thus, I finally realized (aha!!) that it wasn't gambling per se that was causing the misery I was experiencing in my life... it was the lifestyle I built around it in order to feed the addiction!!  Thinking about this today was another "aha" moment.  I've had so many amazing "aha" moments ever since quitting, and each one is as new and exciting as the first!

~Mingtha