i want to win. i want to win all the time. i want that james bond type of hand where i beat a table full of all-ins with a royal flush that no one saw coming. i want to get pocket aces all the time and i want to have it quadruple up on the flop. i get angry when i get 9-4 unsuited. i get frustrated when my a-k doesn't pair up on the flop and someone who called my bet throws in a bunch of chips because he hit mid pair with his 5.

it's getting to a point that i'm struggling with the game. it's just a game, but there's a certain expectation from my side -- one that asks for it to follow a set of rules that it can't. poker isn't about luck because luck isn't something i believe in. poker isn't all about skill. having the better pockets won't guarantee a win, even if you "play them right." you can play the cards and hope they catch. you can play the person and hope they fold. i just want to walk away from the game with a lesson learned.

in that way, poker resembles my life. a decision that leads to ruin often comes under scrutiny that, in the end, makes it hard to have a consistent stance. failure doesn't give me an absolute like sticking my finger into an electrical socket. i know what's going to happen each time i do it -- but with poker, how can i ever be sure?

do i bet this time? how would i have played it if i wasn't on tilt? well, maybe the next card... or if only i had... i feel i'm at a place in life where i'm not sure i'm doing the right thing. even as my contract date approaches, i'm still hanging on to the decision that i'll be here another year. but what if things go wrong? what if my cavity gets worse? what if...

which will lead me to wonder why i chose this decision to stay and what it took for me to become so adamant about it.

will i save more, this time? will i work hard and learn hebrew? all these things i planned for the year past -- this has been a pretty lazy year. sure, working at a private school that hasn't given me many days off means i've worked a bit harder than some of my private school teaching peers -- but i've spent most of my off-hours playing video games and giving my money away to casinos. how many times did i go out clubbing only to come home empty-handed, hearted and walleted?

the only way i've managed to save is to steal money from myself and lock it away where i can't get it with a check card.

i'm reckless. but i want to have fun. i tend to slip up and bet big when i catch a mid-pair. i played against someone who put me all-in without any hesitation.

why did i bet that much? why didn't i wait for him to bet? why did i rush into that?

i folded. he showed me pocket queens. he pretty much had me unless something else caught on the turn and river. and there are those what-ifs again. sometimes, in life, i want to "see the flop" to see what i would have gotten. would my life be better had i made different decisions? or would my life just be different?

am i missing the big picture, here?

there's a part of me thinking, well, you did what you could with the information you had. you can't see the future.